Wow, has it really been a whole month since I wrote a blog post that wasn't connected to crochet or the Nine Months Of campaign? Well there is a reason for this, but it's not necessarily a good one! Here it is: I've been incredibly busy and incredibly confused.
Okay, so the first part of that reason is very valid. I feel like I have not stopped this past month. Between work, the launch of the Nine Months Of campaign, and general family life there really has been very little time to sit down and relax. And when I have been relaxing I have been crocheting, hence all the crochet posts. But the second part of my reason for not writing any non-crochet blogs is really not a reason at all and without the time limitations would have been ridiculous in a way.
You see, the past few weeks have seen me completely heartbroken once again over the realisation we will never have a second child. It has seen me tussle with that thought and come out the other side feeling that actually this is a good decision for us, not just one we've had to make. And because I worried about repeating the same old thing I just didn't blog about them. And what is a blog for if not to express these things and document your journey?
The past month has also seen me make realisations in other areas of my life, which tie in beautifully with the above but have again not been mentioned once on the blog. Things like finding a co-author for my book on Hyperemesis and the sheer relief that brought at not having to drop the entire project as it was just beyond my means to complete.
But more than this, I have not blogged about the deeper things I feel about the above. I have not blogged about how I am re-reading A Return To Love and how it helped me realise I needed to surrender to the fact I couldn't complete the book on my own and that a different solution must exist, if only I let go a little. Or how reading the book makes me feel less crazy for feeling so wildly (and irrationally) emotional about the whole pregnancy thing. I find myself nodding again and again on almost every single page as it all makes so much sense to me. Yet I do not blog about it because still I am unsure of where it all fits...
Which leads me to the real reason this blog has not been updated of late on the personal front. The fact is, I still don't know what I want from this blog. Do I want it as a simple place to write whatever comes to mind, or do I want to use it with more purpose? Do I dare to write more about deeply personal things which may limit my readership or do I need to maintain a readership that is in line with projects I am undertaking, such as the crochet stuff. Can both exist in one place happily and harmoniously? Maybe, but whether I feel able and comfortable to do that is another matter.
What it all comes down to is this: I don't feel like I am writing from the heart sometimes because of a fear of rejection (or ridicule) and so it seems easier to keep things neutral and make sure I am writing content that is relevant to a particular audience. But is this the right place for that? WOuld it be better to put most of my crochet posts on the campaign blog and keep this blog more for my own personal musings? Is it okay to write about faith and spiritual stuff more? I have come so very close to doing that on so very many occasions and then I bottle out. Because faith is so very personal, right? And as my faith underlines everything I think and feel, then I feel deflated when trying to write about things without it. So I don't write it at all sometimes...
Were it not for the risk of (internet) trolls and the like I would possibly write far more freely. After all, whilst I don't talk about these things necessarily with people in real life, this blog is supposed to be a place for me to record it all and meet like-minded people. If you read my page on Faith and Spirituality you'll get a feel for why I feel this could be a good move. But often I just let the fear overwhelm me. I think "I can't write it like that as what will people think?" and so I struggle for words to express what I really want to say and then give up.
And whilst this is all no excuse for not updating my blog, it is the reason why. So bear with me, won't you, while I find my way forward with this. Many of you know I came so close to giving up blogging this year but I haven't done yet so that must mean the solution is here somewhere. I just have to find it.