Dreams and Revelations

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Do you ever go through periods in your life when, despite being a highly sociable person, you want nothing more than to sit in silence and just contemplate your life and where you are going?

It is no secret that I love to be around others, sharing thoughts and stories and just enjoying the company that friends can bring. It is why I count myself lucky to have so many good friends who are always ready for a chat, no matter how irrelevant or pointless it may be. And it is also why I love blogging so much too.

But recently my heart has not been in it and I watched as blog updates piled into my blog reader, never once feeling the desire to read. At first I put it down to the wedding and the time and attention the planning took up, but in truth there was a lot more to it.

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The truth was that, in my own unhappiness in the way my life was heading, reading the words of others allowed jealousy to creep in as I saw the passion, conviction and faith of others in the direction of their lives and the choices they made. Jealousy is a friend of no-one and so the real reason for withdrawing from the blogging world for a while was to get to the bottom of my own feelings, rather than projecting them onto that which others had.

In essence I had everything I wanted and jealousy should have been a far cry from my mind: the wedding was imminent, we were thinking of trying for a baby and I was working on building a business I could work on from home…

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But it was only when I achieved the dream of staying home and starting a business that I realised the truth behind this dream: it belonged to someone else. This may sound like a strange thing to say, but in my moments of solitude recently I have come to realise that the person I always saw in this dream was not myself but someone I thought I should be.

And this is a trap I have fallen into regularly throughout my life. We may say that such things as gender stereotypes no longer affect our lives in the same way as before, but they certainly have a lot to answer for still. No matter where its influence came from, I had this crazy idea that to be happy I wanted to stay at home, keep the house, craft all day long and bring up a family. Now whilst this is a beautiful dream and one that still fills me with warmth, I know I can no more do it than I could change the colour of my eyes. Sure, I could give the impression I had done so, but it wouldn't be the truth.

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It seems that the foundations I lay so many years ago were not leading to the place I thought they were and in truth I will not see the way forward until I learn to be who I am inside, rather than the person I believe people want to see when they look at me. Even more crucial is finding who I am rather than who I thought I wanted to be. I wonder if you have ever felt like this?

I have reworded this post at least half a dozen times, trying to make sense of the thoughts swirling around in my head. It is often hard to know what is true and what is a mere reflection of the truth. I have often been told that my writing is full of honesty and I hope that this will always be the case. 

There are many changes occurring at the Patch right now, but one thing I do know for sure is that writing brings me a kind of peace and understanding and as such you can be sure that there will be many more posts coming up as these changes come about. So please do pop by again sometimes and don't forget to leave a comment if you feel inspired to. 

 

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7 COMMENTS

  1. Life can be so hard to fathom out, especially working out what is best for you, and you explain it so beautifully. I’ve often longed for something only to find the reality wasn’t quite what I expected.
    Good luck with finding your path. I’m sure you’ll get there – and what works for the immediate future may change again at some point. It is good to question and think about things and not just tread along in automatic pilot. Juliex

  2. I often have had moments like this in the past – I am a social being too, like you, but sometimes life isn’t going the way you want it, and it is only by thinking about it, in peace that you are able to make sense of you, and where you are now.
    A few years ago, I was in IT admin, trying to find new work, but in truth I knew it wasn’t what i wanted to do. I felt pressure and jealousy, seeing all my friends from school progressing, and it was easy to get drawn in by that and feel depressed, but in the end, the only race you have, indeed if there is one is with yourself.
    I have come to believe that whatever path we have travelled and are travelling, it makes us who we are, so in some ways, even if you feel that the foundations you set haven’t got you to where you thought they would, they will have shaped your personality in some way. Be happy with the things you do and not what you can’t do. You may amaze yourself yet with your tenacity to bounce back! I for one have learnt that over the past few years.
    I hope this brings you some comfort! Always remember no one being can do EVERYTHING! 😀

  3. Hi Amanda, I am twice your age and still not figured out what I want to do or where I want my life to go! I often read blogs where people seem to have perfect lives but really they are just like you and me but perhaps we tell it as it is warts and all unlike some people that just show us the nice bits – which they are entitled to do! Don’t try to plan too far ahead. Enjoy yourself for you are young! By the way, my son carved the Pumpkin! x

  4. Yes, yes, and yes.
    Jealousy. I hate and I love it. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but when it creeps in I try to think of it as a map. If I’m jealous of something in someone else’s life, it’s a safe bet that I want to go after it in my own.
    Love this post! Bon courage!

  5. Amanda… I just had a smile on my face…as once again (for the 100th time or so since I have known you)…you and I are are going trough something similar…
    I thought my travels would help me understand myself better and help me figure out who I am…and I am slowly coming to terms with what you wrote…that my idea of who I am or should be, is not who i actually am. I cannot be truly happy until I can be the person I really am…and I will have to figure out if some of my dreams might in fact be “outdated”….but its so scary to let go of something you have always defined yourself with/as… because if you dont have that…then what do you have…what are you? how to define yourself? scary stuff!
    big hugs
    nicole/bithya

  6. Amanda,
    I just realized that I had commented about this post on your Facebook wall but not here…
    I saw this quote recently on someone’s Facebook wall:

    “True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment”.
    ~~ William Penn

    I think you are brilliantly smart to stop and figure out what works and what doesn’t. We only get one life. Smart people like you take the time to do some introspection as they go through life.
    You go, Amanda!
    Jeanne

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