These past few weeks have been a total whirlwind for me. It seems like pretty terrible timing that in the month when I had 4 hospital appointments (3 of them for investigations) I also completed my Nine Months Of challenge, had an auction to organise, and finished the final edit of the book I have been writing. My feet have quite literally not left the ground and I feel like I haven't stopped…
And in amongst all of that, all the major achievements that were going on (such as getting the book to the publisher and seeing lots of fundraising and awareness plans all come together) the little bits and pieces started to get lost. I began to lose sight of the everyday moments and in doing so I seemed to allow old emotions to flood back to the surface – once my focus was on everything big, the big emotions came out to play!
I found myself grieving once more over our decision to never have another baby. This has been bubbling away slowly beneath the surface for a long, long time but my ongoing health issues and the exhaustion from trying to do too much just brought home how very real that decision is. And I began to grieve all over again. None of those big achievements seemed to matter anymore because the biggest dream I ever had was never going to completely come true.
And yet, it has. I am a mother. That is all I ever wanted to be. I have a beautiful child who means the world to me and whilst my heart may still yearn for another, the boy I have is more than enough to fill anyone's heart with so much joy.
And I have a loving husband who supports me in all I do. Together we are building a life that reflects who we are as individuals, as a couple, as parents and as a family of three. Those beautiful moments, perfect in and of themselves, are being lost when my mind is so focussed on "the big things".
That's not to say the big things don't matter. I am so proud of the work I do and the people I support. But I don't want them to be the only things that defines me. Because at the end of the day there is only so much one person can do and if you find yourself constantly striving to do more (as I so often do) then you lose sight of the smaller, more intimate things which make life so beautiful. When the stress of those big things gets you down it's the little things that will hold you afloat.
That's what I have been missing lately and as such I've decided I need to make an effort to consciously and purposefully seek out the joy in the everyday moments. The things that will remain once the book the published, and once my little boy no longer needs his mama quite so much. My life can't only be about these "big things"… as they are so fleeting. It needs to be about the little things too.
I get that now. I don't know why, but it suddenly hit me today. I was in a really deep moment of grief and truly allowing myself to feel it fully for the first time. Perhaps that is why I made this connection. Perhaps, because I didn't try to squash it down as I usually do, I was able to see it for what it was. Who knows… what I do know, however, is that this is something I really want to do.
I've been wondering where my blog is going for a very long time and now I feel like I know that too… it's for documenting all those little things that add up to make my life (and the life of my family) so special. It's for the memories and for realising that the moment we have right now is the most important. Of course there is space for dreams and lots of space for the big things too… I will never stop blogging about those. But instead of only ever documenting the big stuff, I will now share the little stuff too.
I've decided to call it "finding joy in the everyday moments". Won't you join me?