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Looking Back…

When I was writing yesterday’s post, I had to look up my old “keeping faith” articles to include the link. And, of course, I had to re-read the previous posts I had written on faith, including this one.

I wrote this post on 4th January, right when I would have conceived the baby I now carry. It is so strange to think about that, especially when the very last thing I wrote was this:

Tim and I have had to face some real hardships in our time together, but this year feels full of promise. 

So my New Year’s Resolution for 2011 is this: to have peace of mind and heart, no matter what the year brings. If I can keep that peace, then the whole world becomes exciting once more.

I’d say 2011 has proven itself to be packed full of promise already, wouldn’t you? And yet, the peace of mind and heart, no matter what the year brings has been pretty hard to find so far.

Pregnancy has not been easy on me, in fact I would go as far to say that it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. Endometriosis sucks, and has made me ill on many occasions, but I have never been so ill that I became dehydrated, was threatened with hospitalisation, and became a shadow of myself for 3 long months.

Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon that we are expecting a child and that we were incredibly lucky to fall pregnant so easily and have reached 19 weeks (almost halfway through) without any sign of worry… no bleeding, no cramping, no sudden dashes to the hospital etc. We have been immensely lucky when so many women struggle so much to become mothers. But the journey has been far from easy for us, nonetheless.

There were times, if I might admit this and hope not to receive a backlash for it, when I resented being pregnant. In fact that were many times during those early weeks when there was no end in sight. I would think back to the beginning of the year and how eager I had been to fall pregnant, how excited I had been to see that second pink line on my pregnancy test, and then how quickly it had all turned into a nightmare.

I never dreamed pregnancy could be so hard on my body… for well over three months I suffered from incessant nausea and the inability to eat or drink enough due to a hypersensitive gag reflex… just talking would make me sick. It took me until week 17 of my pregnancy to regain the weight I lost in those early weeks, and although I feel many times better now, I am still suffering from daily indigestion and nausea, as well as regular headaches, a complete lack of energy, and immense pain in my hips that keeps me awake at night. It is like running a marathon with no prior training and I don’t know what my body will feel like by the time I reach the end of the race!

And so, throughout of all of this, my mind and heart have been far from peaceful. I have swung between resenting feeling this way, to then beating myself up with guilt for feeling resentful when such a beautiful thing is occuring. We are going to be parents, and that should be joyous, not fraught with anxiety and dread. Of course, we have the usual fears of “how will we cope?” and “will we make good parents?” but more than that, there have been fears of “will I ever feel well again?” and (on Tim’s behalf), “will I ever get my wife back?”

I was talking about this to my acupuncturist and discussing how Tim and I used to try and meditate and give each other Reiki regularly, and yet when we most need to do these things we cannot find the strength to do them. These past few months would have been the ideal time to rely on meditation and relaxation techniques, but I have been so exhausted fighting the sickness and Tim so busy working and trying to keep the house running, that we never managed it.

So, looking back, I realise that 2011 has been full of so much promise, but there is so much more that is left for us to grab and enjoy. There is still that peace of mind and heart to find and capture, and I hope that we both manage it over the coming weeks and months, because I’m sure we’re going to need it when the baby arrives and our whole lives are turned upside down once more!

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2 comments

  1. Rachel Lucas says:

    Dear Amanda…don’t feel bad about these (understandable) feelings…it’s so natural! For what it’s worth, I can’t have children & I don’t resent you at all for what you say! You’re HUMAN…it’s tough to cope with all you’ve had to andf you’re doing brilliantly! My god daughter suffered as you have during her first pregnancy…hospitalised too with dehydration through vomiting etc Later she got meningitis & was given morphine for the pain at 7 months pregnant. Her daughter turned 5 a couple of weeks ago…normal, bright & healthy! She’s had 2 boys since and those pregnancies were a breeze – so maybe you’re having a pesky girl! Just get through it as best you can, whatever you have to do…and all the trouble will melt away for you both when you hold your baby in your arms – I’m certain of it! xx

  2. Onesie Mommy says:

    Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. Thinking of you…
    I appreciate your honesty about your pregnancy. Not all pregnancies are easy or joyous. It doesn’t mean you love that little miracle any less! How you feel during your pregnancy is not a reflection of your love, respect and appreciation for your child.
    Thank you for visiting my blog. I love reading your comments.

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