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When Blogging isn’t an Option…

I’ve got to be honest with you. A lot of things that happen in my life never make it onto the blog. I may be an “oversharer” in many ways, but there are just some things which are too personal to put out there. I remember sitting in a session at BritMums Live last year and hearing Her Melness Speaks, Rachael Lucas, and Cherry Menlove all agree that some things are just too sacred to share, despite being incredibly “blogworthy”, and I couldn’t agree more. My blog has always been a place where my heart is revealed over and over again, but sometimes the things in my heart never make it onto the screen.

When Blogging Isn't An Option

But sometimes, this holding back, makes blogging hard. I’ve written before about how, for me, blogging is all about community and I have made some incredible friends through my journey so far. Many of those friendships have been built through mutual experiences, times when it has been so amazing to hear someone else say “me too” when you feel utterly alone. And so when facing challenging times becomes something you simply cannot write about it can feel like you’ve lost one of your biggest sources of support, encouragement and inspiration. Times when people in your close circle of friends in real life simply won’t understand what you’re going through, but you know someone online will.

This year has been one of those times. I’ve been refinding my voice over the past few months and had a really wonderful moment last week when I realised how much my blog has grown in such a short period of time. And yet one of the biggest and scariest things I have ever had to face has been shut behind a closed door. I thought I was okay with that, I knew the reason (or reasons) for keeping it that way, but suddenly it just feels like too much. I feel like I’m losing the battle and the one place I usually come to seek refuge is not an option any more.

But it’s not my story to tell. I am a part of it, but that is a long way from it being my story. One day I might share it, one day when the storm has passed. But not now, not today. All I can say is that someone I love it hurting, terribly, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The depth of their pain, the all-encompassing nature of it, is more terrifying than anything I have ever faced before. And for the first time in my life I feel truly hopeless.

Blogging isn’t going to change that. The hopeless feeling will still be there. But still, right now I wish it could. I wish someone could say, “I’ve been there too” and share their story with me. I wish there was a guidebook for this, a message of hope that all will be well. Because right now, I feel lost, and alone, and that’s the last thing any of us needs!

I’m a Little Bear…

Little bear

Hello.

I’m a little bear, wrapped up against the cold.

Mummy asked me to send you a quick message as she didn’t want you to think she had forgotten you all.

So, here I am.

She is a little busy right now getting everything ready for something she calls Christmas. She tells me I will love it when I am a little bit older. I have to say I quite like listening to all the new songs she and daddy sing these days. And all the lights and shiny stuff mummy calls “tinsel” are rather pleasant to look at while having a cuddle. Does it get even better?

Mummy told me to tell you that she is also planning some changes for her blog. She is thinking of changing the name to “The Family Patch” because we are a family now. I thought she should call it “Little Man’s Patch” but she said that it couldn’t always be about me…

That’s what she thinks!

She is working on changing the design, because she says she can’t really have a pink blog when she has a little boy. She did dress me in something pink-ish the other day and I did look a little bit girly, so maybe she is right.

But it is taking her a long time to make the changes because I spend a lot of time cooing at her and smiling at her and trying my hardest to laugh so she knows just how much I love being bounced up and down and watching her and daddy making silly faces at me. So even when she leaves me with daddy and plans on doing some work she always ends up getting distracted by things like this…

Smile

I’m getting pretty good at this smiling malarkey, don’t you think?

So mummy asks you to excuse her over the next week or two because between me and Christmas she doesn’t have much spare time. But she promises to be back in the New Year with a brand new blog design to reflect her new life with me.

I better go now. She has been busy for long enough and I think she needs to be reminded that I am waiting for more silly noises and face making as she attempts to make me giggle.

Toodle-oo

Baby Love

I thought you might like to see some more photos of our darling boy. After all, he may only be 11 days old but already he is changing and the beginnings of a personality starting to shine through.

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Like this face which I like to name the “I hear mama, mama means milk… mmmmm, milk!” look. No longer happy cuddling daddy or sucking his thumb, he’ll suddenly pop his head up and look at me as if to say “come on mama, hurry it up!”

I’m not sure how many of you would have watched Doctor Who last Saturday, but for those of you who didn’t I want to tell you how much the episode made me laugh and made me cry. The funny part was the baby who not only told the Doctor (who can, of course, understand babies, you know) his name was “Stormageddon” but also called his mama “mummy” and everyone else, including his dad, “not mummy”.

TJ decided that this was far too cool not to play with and so gave Little Man the name Lord Chronos in honour of both Doctor Who and the fact that Little Man really is the lord of all time in our house right now! And, of course, TJ also now calls me “milk” and himself “not-milk”. Let’s be fair, that is what the distinction between us comes down to right now, isn’t it?

Of course, being hormonally post-natal, I ended up crying buckets by the end of the episode as the baby’s father fought beyond the odds to save his son. It made me cry to think of the strength of a parent’s love for his or her child, and it also made me realise how big a responsibility we have taken on in bringing Little Man into the world. Isn’t it funny how even light entertainment can get you going just after giving birth!

But that’s enough rambling from me, let’s get back to some photos of my gorgeous boy…

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This is another one of his “looks”. My little boy hates to be flat on his back and particularly dislikes having his nappy changed (although he no longer screams every time we do it) But even with him starting to chill out a bit more on the changing mat, he can’t help but give me a look as if to say, “come on, mama, it’s cold down here. Stop messing around and pick me up already!”

What can I say? The boy is just too delicious and I have the camera on hand almost every single moment of the day to capture sweet moments like this.

And, yes, I promptly picked him up after that photo was taken and cuddled him for hours.

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But I’m not the only one having cuddles with my sweet boy. Oh no, I have to share him. Not that I mind. The boy is just too beautiful not to share with family and friends. He still has a lot of people to meet (he is only 11 days old, after all) but he is getting so used to being well loved that he hates to be put down.

I already have what feels like a million photos of daddy loving on his baby boy, but this one has to be my absolute favourite so far. Just look at the look of sheer bliss on daddy’s face. It makes me fall in love with my husband more and more every day, even when I think I couldn’t love him any more.

My two boys… I have so many years of joy ahead with them.

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But for now I’ll leave you chilling like my little man here, because mama needs a shower and then she wants more cuddles and snuggles with her baby.

I’ll be back soon with more updates.