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telling-ouronly-child-we-wont-have-another-baby

Telling Our Only Child We Won’t Have Another Baby

So, this blog post is quite a tough one for me to write. But it’s also one I knew I would probably have to write at some point. Little Man is an Only Child, which is something I’ve written about a fair bit in the past. But we’ve never really had to talk about it with him before. I mean, he’s only just turned 5, it’s not a conversation that naturally occurs with a young child. Until today. Today we had to tell him we won’t ever have another baby. And that was unbelievably hard.

telling-ouronly-child-we-wont-have-another-baby

It all started because we were watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (of all things). A character in the episode was giving birth and Little Man showed interest in what was happening. So TJ explained to him that babies grow in their mummy’s tummy and then mummy has to push them out. We’ve mentioned this in the past when talking about friends who were expecting, and we’ve even told him he grew in my tummy, but he never really questioned it before. So we didn’t really expect him to do so this time.

But just after the baby was born, he started telling us how cute the baby was. Again, this is nothing new – he often tells us how cute babies are whenever he sees one. (He does the same with kittens, but that’s another story!) But this time he seemed to fall into thoughtful silence. So I asked him, “do you think you’d like to be a daddy one day and have a baby?” And that’s when things got interesting.

Maybe a minute or two later he started pushing down on his belly towards his bottom and grimacing. I automatically asked him if his stomach hurt (as it was less than 24 hours since he had vomited with an upset stomach). But he said, “no mummy, I’m trying to push!” For a moment or two I had no idea what he meant, and then it suddenly dawned on me. “Are you trying to push a baby out of your belly?” The answer was a firm yes.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, it was one of those moments! My heart practically exploded at the adorable nature of his innocent misunderstanding of what we had told him. I explained that only ladies could grow babies in their tummies and so even when he was grown up he wouldn’t have a baby himself. But he could still be a daddy one day if he wanted to be. And I hoped that might end his confusion. Except I don’t think it was mere confusion, he really did seem to want a baby.

He started trying to pull my top undone to get to my belly, so he could push on that. So I had to explain to him that mummy doesn’t have a baby in her tummy. At which point I think my heart broke in two. As hard as it was for TJ and myself to decide never to have another baby, I always knew there might come a day when Little Man would show an interest in a brother or sister. And I knew it would be difficult to explain why we’d chosen that, not because it was the wrong choice but rather because it was a choice I desperately wish we’d never had to make.

I’d have loved nothing more than to be able to tell Little Man that mummy doesn’t have a baby in her tummy right now but one day she might. But I couldn’t. I had to explain to him that we won’t ever have another baby growing in mummy’s tummy. Only he got to grow in there when he was a baby. He turned to TJ and asked if he had a baby in his tummy, making us explain once again only ladies get to do that. She he turned back to me and said, “maybe there’s a tiny baby!” I told him I was sorry, but no there wasn’t even a tiny baby in there. “Maybe, as tiny as an ant!” he replied. Oh, my poor, broken heart!

There are many, many times when I wish things could have been different. When I see how much Little Man adores playing with other kids at the park or seeing his cousins. When he tells me how cute babies are, or says, “I hear a baby” and looks around for them when we’re out and about. And also when he takes such wonderful care of the numerous teddies and soft toys he takes to bed with him. He hates being alone, in fact his standard response when he can’t sleep or wakes in the night is “I’m lonely”. I wish, more than anything else, we could have expanded our family as I’m sure he’d have loved it.

But we can’t. It’s just not an option for us. It never was. But even in those early days I clung on to the idea that maybe one day we could still foster. I thought if Little Man showed an interest and seemed able to cope with the demands fostering puts on a family, maybe we could do it. But the reality is that I’m too sick to do that. It really is just going to be our little family of three.

And in many ways that’s alright. I love the dynamic we have and the fact that Little Man can have as much attention as he craves. Although, actually, he craves a LOT of attention – because he doesn’t like being alone, remember – so I’m not sure he’d agree he gets as much as he wants! But the point is, he has us all to himself. We’re busy parents, working and balancing our many health issues, and so we don’t have a lot of time and energy to spare. What we do have is all his. And that works for us.

So, yes, my heart feels fragile tonight. This whole thing has reminded me just how much my health has robbed from us, both in terms of not being able to have another baby and in terms of not even being able to think about fostering. But there’s nothing I can do about that. So I’m choosing to see the beauty in Little Man’s hope and interest in us having a baby as something we can cherish, even if we can’t make it come true for him. Because, if nothing else, it shows he is growing into a very loving little boy.

5 Ways You Can Make a Difference Nothing Is Too Small Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – 5 Ways You Can Make a Difference

This time last year, my life was overtaken by Hyperemesis – and I wasn’t even pregnant!

News of the Duchess of Cambridge’s second pregnancy meant that there was an increased interest in the condition, and I raced down to London at extremely short notice for an interview on Good Morning Britain. On top of that, our book was nearing its publication date, so we were full steam ahead on last minute prep. And all of this around my usual work for Pregnancy Sickness Support (PSS).

I began to feel swamped, big time, and it only got worse. It is very difficult to describe the effect it all had on me, because quite frankly last Autumn almost broke me and it’s something I would like to forget in many ways. But the reality is, I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about the cause and that means finding new ways of doing this.

The past few months have given me some space and time to figure out where I fit in the HG Community, and the truth is I’m not quite sure I do any more. But that doesn’t mean that I cannot support the cause, simply that I am no longer an active part of it.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – The Definitive Guide will continue to help current sufferers and survivors, because the hours of work put into it are now paying off. And the posts on my blog, written over the past 4 years, still continue to get hits from web searches regarding Hyperemesis. Even when I am not actively writing about it, I am still able to spread the word. And that has been the biggest lesson for me this year – you don’t have to be on the front line to make a difference.

I also know that there are so many people out there with a wealth of skills and experiences that can be put to good use in improving the care, support and treatment of women with Hyperemesis, if only they knew how. So, with that in mind, I thought I’d put together a list of 5 ways you can make a difference.

5 Ways You Can Make a Difference Nothing Is Too Small Hyperemesis Gravidarum

1. If you feel like you can offer one-to-one peer support to another woman suffering from Hyperemesis, do register as a volunteer with PSS. This isn’t for everybody, I know – sometimes the trauma from your own pregnancy is too great to support another, and sometimes you’re so busy balancing work and home life that being available to support is just too much pressure. However, for those who do feel able to give support via phone, text or email, it can be a thoroughly rewarding role.

2. Share your experience, to raise awareness. I know this isn’t always easy, and it can often lead to difficult responses from friends and strangers alike who just don’t get it, but the best way to create change is to first create awareness of the need for change. Write about it on your blog, or contact a blogger you know and ask if you can write a guest post for them. Share a video on youtube, or write to your local newspaper and radio station asking if they might interview you. If you’re happy to talk to the national press, join a group set up for that – just be sure that you trust the journalist and/or editor not to put an unpleasant “spin” on the piece.

3. If you don’t feel comfortable writing or sharing your own story, why not share those that others have written. It’s so easy with so many social media platforms available at your fingertips… simply search for specific terms such as ‘Hyperemesis’, ‘HG’ and even ‘Morning Sickness’ (yes, I know it isn’t morning sickness, but you’d be amazed at how many articles you will find about Hyperemesis that only come up when using that search term). Remember hashtags are used on many platforms and you can also sign up for Google Alerts to get articles straight to your inbox. Spreading the word about the reality of HG, the work that is being done to improve women’s experiences, and ways in which people can get involved is so important to creating and maintaining that change.

4. Donate some money or raise funds to help keep services running. You can do this via direct debit monthly payments, one-off fundraising events such as a coffee morning or a sports challenge, selling items on eBay and setting a percentage to go to charity, or even whilst doing your weekly shop by using one of the many fundraising apps such as Give As You Live. And don’t forget that if you are a UK tax payer, you can register for Gift Aid, meaning that the charity can claim a further 25% at no cost to you!

5. And finally, why not look at the skills you have and think about how they could be used to help the cause. I am a firm believer that everybody has something to give, you just have to figure out what that may be. Are you super-organised? Why not offer to help organise events! An experienced PA? What about offering to set up a group calendar that can be used to keep everybody up-to-date and plan ahead for social media campaigns around key events! Talking of social media, are you forever glued to your phone? Why not give a few hours a week to support specific campaigns! Accountants could help with book-keeping, and nurses could raise awareness with colleagues. Chefs could offer ideas of quick, easy, low odour meals and those in retail could offer advice on corporate sponsorship. The way your skills can be used are only limited by your own imagination – so how do you think you could help?

I’m sure there are so many more ways in which you can get involved and make a difference! But I hope that these five provide a place to begin. Whether you can offer 5 hours a week or 5 days a year, your help will make a difference – nothing is too small!

 

 

International Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day 15th May

Together We Can Achieve Great Things (Thoughts on International Hyperemesis Awareness Day)

International Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day 15th May

Today is International Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) Awareness Day, an event which will always hold a very special place in my heart. I may not write much about Hyperemesis any more, but it is something I will never forget. Over the past 3 years I have seen awareness of the condition grow, leading to greater support and better care for families affected by it, in a way that I could never have imagined when suffering from Hyperemesis myself in 2011. And that’s all because individual voices have come together to enact greater change than any single voice could.

Now don’t get me wrong, individuals can make a huge amount of difference. I’ve seen it happen so many times within the HG world: the woman who dedicates vast amounts of time to supporting other women who are suffering through a hell that only she can understand; the doctor who goes above and beyond to ensure that a patient in their care receives the best possible treatment; the team of midwives who agree to meet and listen to a woman share what HG was like for her and how to best support other women like her; and the partners, family and friends of a sufferer who rally around her to make every day as easy as possible, and attend medical appointments to help advocate for her when she is unable to do so herself. These are all really important ways in which individuals make a massive difference to those around them. And we should never underestimate how much change one person can make! But it is through working together that lasting change on a large scale is achieved.

The changes I have seen over the past three years have come about because many, many individuals have come together for a common cause. Multiple charities have formed working relationships which enable them to achieve more together than they ever could alone. The international collaboration of the two big HG Charities, Pregnancy Sickness Support (PSS) here in the UK and The HER Foundation in the US, sparked the idea for an International Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day. And a recent collaboration between PSS and the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) enabled the production of a report on the number of women feeling like they have no choice but to terminate a much wanted pregnancy due to Hyperemesis. This report led to further media coverage, including mentions on the front page of national newspapers and an interview on Women’s Hour, something which may not have happened without working together.

Even within the individual charities themselves, there are great developments occurring, and this is all because of the sheer number of people supporting them. Take PSS, for example: the active forum is only thriving because of the many members supporting each other through the opportunity offered to them on there; the Support Network only works because of the amount of dedicated volunteers who offer their time and support to those in need (it also relies on many others spreading the word about its existence, as well as funding for staff to coordinate it and further developments); and the research undertaken often relies on the various voices of those who have suffered coming forward and sharing their stories.

This time last year my life was pretty much overtaken by the cause – I was working vast amount of hours every week as the Volunteer Coordinator for PSS and also working on final edits of Hyperemesis Gravidarum: The Definitive Guide. I lived in a world that was full of equal amounts of desperation from those currently suffering and passion for change from those who had survived HG. And despite personally dedicating huge amounts of time and energy to the cause (too much, in retrospect, for a healthy work/life balance), I never once lost sight of the fact that it was the multitude of individual voices that were making the vast changes I was lucky enough to see happening right before my eyes.

My life is very different now to what it was this time last year. 12 months ago I was burning out, fast. Despite the fact that there were many, many people working together to enact change there just weren’t enough of us to make change on the scale that we wanted to. It is a battle that so many causes face, and it is one that is only won through people coming together so that their individual voices are amplified by those singing the same tune. The greatest lesson that I took from my time with PSS was this – one person can change the world, but only through working with others.

So today I am asking you to think about what is important to you. What do you feel passionate about and what do you wish you could change in the world? Please don’t ever think that you cannot make a difference, because you can. Don’t compare yourself to others and feel that you aren’t strong enough or wise enough or talented enough – everyone has something that they can give that is unique to them and will, when given the opportunity, make the world of difference. Whether you can give 10 hours a week or just the odd hour here or there, whether you have specific skills, knowledge and experience or are simply passionate about the cause, and whether you feel confident approaching others or terrified of making that first call, please do consider taking that leap and contacting a group or organisation who need your support and will welcome whatever you can give.

Together we can achieve great things… and it all begins with you!