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Go With The Flow

Redundancy and Relocation – Going With The Flow in the Midst of Chaos

So, remember how I wrote that my word for 2015 would be “Surrender”?  How little I knew at that time how much that word would come to mean…

We’re not even out of January yet and already I have been made redundant, attended a job interview, and made the decision to relocate (and found a house that will hopefully be ours!) Talk about a crazy month!!

I’ve not been able to talk about all of this while it was happening, because there was a period of time between finding out about the proposed redundancy and the confirmation of this (which arrived yesterday). And it’s been pretty tough not being able to talk about it, not because of the changes themselves, but because of the changes within me that this has all evoked.

2014 was a year that almost broke me. Between TJ’s rapidly deteriorating health, the multiple GP and hospital appointments that ensued, an incredibly challenging job, final edits on the book and its subsequent launch, a massive drop in Little Man’s childcare (meaning less time than ever to fit everything into my already hectic days!) and my own very physical reactions to stress, it is no wonder I ended the year close to a breakdown and feeling like Christmas was just an inconvenience I could have done without.

But it was upon hitting absolute rock bottom that I made the decision to “let go” and trust that everything would unfold in its own way. Instead of fighting to try and control life, I decided to go with the flow, and I couldn’t have made that decision at a better moment. Were I still in the mindset that I was in 2014, this first month of the New Year would have been the final push that shattered me. Instead, it has been a defining moment in teaching me to ride the waves and hopefully float, rather than thrashing around and choking myself in the process.

Go With The Flow

Don’t get me wrong – life is stressful. Nobody wants to face an uncertain future. Every day I find myself thinking, “I’ll feel better when… [insert “I get a new job”, “we’ve signed a new lease”, “we’re all settled into our new home” etc]”. But this is the wrong kind of thinking. I can’t wait for those things to happen to feel better, I need to feel okay now.

It’s a pretty monumental shift in perception, and it is being helped along by an awful lot of prayer, reading, and support from friends and family. But it is slowly becoming more of a natural reaction and less of something I need to force myself to think.

I’m still sad, of course, this kind of thinking doesn’t take away that feeling. It just makes it easier to live with. Things have happened which I never imagined would happen, some of which I do not understand at all. But instead of letting the concern about things I cannot know consume me, I am choosing to let them go. One day I may know the answers, but if I don’t it doesn’t matter – I can accept that now.

So that’s where I’m at… a total and complete change. But as they say, when one door closes, another will open. I’m choosing to look at this as a positive, trusting that this is just one more step along the path I am to take in life, even if I cannot yet see what the next step is.

What I do know, though, is that it has deeply impacted the direction in which I wish to take my blog now, after several years of floundering around with no real direction at all. And I’m excited about that, even though it includes facing something I have feared doing for quite a long time. But what did I say 2015 was about, surrendering? Well maybe that also means surrendering to what happens and simply following my heart…

Will you join me?

*****

This post has been submitted to the All About You Linky hosted by Mama and More

Mama and More

 

Word of the Year 2015 Surrender

Surrender

I don’t know about you, but it feels to me as if 2014 has been a year of battles and anguish. Throughout the world there have been so many heart-wrenching stories of pain and loss, coming one after the other in quick succession, providing very little chance to try and get your head around one thing before another comes to rock your world view.

There have been lost planes, mass conflicts in both the Middle East and Eastern Europe, and then the Ebola Crisis in Africa. And it doesn’t seem to be letting up… a few days before Christmas lives were lost in Glasgow as a dustbin lorry veered out of control, and then today yet another airplane has been lost. It just keeps coming.

And away from the large scale news, there are the individual lives that are affected every single day. The deeply personal stories of those affected by the above mentioned events, as well as those fighting their own personal battles. And I count TJ and myself in this.

2014 has been one of the hardest years we have ever had to face. And that is saying something. Since we met in 2007 I have been through 3 pseudo-menopauses, surgery, and a HG pregnancy (further complicated by Obstetric Cholestasis). And TJ has changed careers twice in an effort to continue working despite increasing pain and symptoms that have affected every part of his life. We’ve both faced depression head on, both been in therapy, and both come out fighting another day. Yet this year has pretty much broken us!

TJ’s health took such a huge turn for the worst this year, and in turn so did mine as the stress of working full-time whilst trying to meet the needs of an active 3 year old and a very poorly husband really began to take its toll. We have fought until we had no fight left in us, and thankfully it seems as if the tides are slowly turning and we’re beginning to surface above the crashing waves once more. And we have hope that 2015 will bring us more good news. But we are beat.

And over the past few days I have been reflecting on this a lot. I find that I am in need of a complete change of attitude to the world around us and the personal battles that we all face. For too long now I have been fighting against the tide, passionately hoping beyond hope that one day things will change, when really it might have been easier to choose to surrender and ride the waves instead. But how do you do that when every inch of your being tells you to fight?

Word of the Year 2015 Surrender

It wasn’t that long ago that I wrote a blog post called “Warrior“. And I do still relate to that post a lot. But I’m beginning to wonder whether there is a balance between fighting and surrendering. Choosing our battles has to be wiser than fighting in each and every one that comes our way, surely?

This doesn’t mean accepting injustice, or allowing things that we feel are inherently “wrong” to go unchecked. But it does mean realising that some battles are not ours to fight. Some battles simply cannot be won by giving everything you have to them. Sometimes the battle is not so much the outer experience, but your inner one.

Last night I did something that I haven’t done in a very long time. I prayed. I mean I really, truly opened my heart and asked for help. I didn’t scream out my need for help in desperation, like I have been doing recently, only to then continue trying to fight the battle myself. Rather, I sat in silence and focused on what I really needed. And that was love, acceptance and peace.

TJ and I have so much more ahead of us that we need to face together. Our lives are pretty turbulent at the moment, and it can feel utterly overwhelming at times. And that isn’t going to change overnight. But what can change is our perception of this. We can give ourselves some grace to breathe and be and accept that even when every day feels like a battle, it’s okay.

And I know that for me this means learning how to surrender. I need to give up this idea that I have to fix it all myself. I need to relinquish the thought that I am not good enough, because if only I were better our lives would be better too. And I need to surrender my pride enough to open up my heart and let others in.

It isn’t an easy concept for me to grasp. I have become used to surviving on my own merit. But doing so has led me to become very cynical about life and closed to a lot of the wonderful things in our lives right now. And this needs to change. It is a change worth making, a risk worth taking, and it just feels right.

So my word for 2015 is surrender. I’m going to stick it up on my blog sidebar so that it reminds me every time I log on. I’m also going to add it to the manifestation collage I made for myself on the eve of the Winter Solstice. And I am going to be intentional about surrendering myself to what is happening right now in my life and what is to come over the next 12 months.

Tell me, what changes do you want to make for 2015?